Lamb in Love

Glass Half Full

I am preparing to attend my 30th high school reunion in about 6 weeks.  I’m one of the members of my class who isn’t remembered as being anything special.  During school I avoid alienating my classmates, so I was friends with many people.  I wasn’t  member of any particular group.  Instead I moved along the fringes of several groups.  Facebook and Yahoo groups have been created and I have wasted many an hour studying the accomplishments of my classmates and have come to the conclusion that my life isn’t all that bad.  I have read long emails from people who would not have given me the time of day in high school and I am reaching out to communicate with those who have endured similar tribulations.  What I am learning is that my glass really is half full.  Just yesterday there was a particular post by a classmate that disturbed me greatly.  She was basically saying that she could not relate to her classmates.  She didn’t have pretty pictures to share.  She didn’t inherit money from her family.  She had to work for a living and couldn’t afford the expense of the reunion.  Etc, etc, etc.  I thought about this post all night long and finally decided that her glass is half empty.  It’s all a matter of perception.  Yes, I am angry about losing my sister and my daughter.  Yes, I am angry about having cancer and other numerous health issues.  Yes, I am angry that I have suddenly become the main caretaker of my Dad -- BUT at the same time as long as I have my husband and my knitting and time to do morning pages and the ability to think and reason and study my glass is half full.  

Today’s Quote:  “Flattery is so necessary to all of us that we flatter one anther to be flattered in return”  ~~Majorie Bowen

Today’s Meditation:  It feels good to help another feel appreciated.  Love and acceptance are my lifeline, from God around us all.

Thank You God!

It's Show Time!

Sometimes I feel like I am the lead character in All That Jazz.  No matter what is going on around me I wash my face, brush my teeth, look in the mirror, and say "It's show time!"  Today is one a "it's show time" days.  Today is the anniversary of my marriage to my children's father.  Sometimes I feel guilty to be doing so well when he isn't.  Did I treat him fairly in the end?  I think so.  Anyway, today I am a little off....  Sometimes it is ok to do it until you feel it instead of doing it because I feel it.

Today's affirmation is:  I won't look for love today.  I will just give it.  It will bless me tenfold.

How we Survive

A friend of mine sent me this poem saying that it reminded her of me...  I am a little hesitant about being called a survivor.  I am still learning to live.  I am still trying to figure out what my life looks like without them.  I am still trying to figure out how my life looks with my new blessings.

How We Survive

Sometimes,

if we are fortunate,

we are given a warning.

If not,

there is only the sudden horror,

the wrench of being torn apart;

of being reminded

that nothing is permanent,

not even the ones we love,

the ones our lives revolve around.

Life is a fragile affair.

We are all dancing

on the edge of a precipice,

a dizzying cliff so high

we can’t see the bottom.

One by one,

we lose those we love most

into the dark ravine.

So we must cherish them

without reservation.

Now.

Today.

This minute.

We will lose them

or they will lose us

someday.

This is certain.

There is no time for bickering.

And their loss

will leave a great pit in our hearts;

a pit we struggle to avoid

during the day

and fall into at night.

Some,

unable to accept this loss,

unable to determine

the worth of life without them,

jump into that black pit

spiritually or physically

hoping to find them there.

And some survive

the shock,

the denial,

the horror,

the bargaining,

the barren, empty aching,

the unanswered prayers,

the sleepless nights

when their breath is crushed

under the weight of silence

and all that it means.

Somehow, some survive all that and,

like a flower opening after a storm,

they slowly begin to remember

the one they lost

in a different way…

The laughter,

the irrepressible spirit,

the generous heart,

the way their smile made them feel,

the encouragement they gave

even as their own dreams were dying.

 And in time, they fill the pit

with other memories

the only memories that really matter.

 We will still cry.

We will always cry.

But with loving reflection

more than hopeless longing.

 And that is how we survive.

That is how the story should end.

That is how they would want it to be.

 This poem was written by Mark Rickerby (www.markrickerby.com)

I was honored that she thought about me and the sentiment is something I want to file away till later. But, I had to fight back tears and I am tired of being so vulnerable.  It was with that thought that I ventured downstairs.  My animals often know exactly how to make me smile at the exact moment that I need to smile.  The kittens were playing with a ping pong ball in the dining room and the older cats were standing in the doorway watching them, keeping everything in bounds.  I stopped on the stairs and watched for a bit.  Have I forgotten how to play?

I am working very hard to do the things that make me healthy...  I knit...  I pray...  I diet...  I write...  I take medication...  Perhaps I should add play to the list.

Today's Meditation:  The influence of a beautiful, helpful, hopeful character is contagious, and may revolutionize a whole town.  ~~Eleanor H. Porter

First Post

I decided that I want to blog because it should help me be more centered.  I started by making a list of goals:

My Life List:

1.       Travel to Japan;

2.       Lower my blood pressure;

3.       Take a photography class

4.       Weigh what my driver’s license says

5.       Get in good enough physical shape to take ballet class

6.       Come to terms with my anger

7.       Figure out what color my hair really is

8.       Learn sign language

9.       Play in the World Championship of Poker

10.        Tornado Chase for a season

11.        Leave everything a little better than when I found it

12.        Be a mental health advocate

13.        Get kisses under the mistletoe

14.        Figure out what I want t do with my life

15.        Go to my high school reunion

16.        Apologize to the people I’ve hurt

17.        Go to the Farmer’s market and cook with fresh food

18.        Stay motivated

19.        Practice Forgiveness

20.        Surround myself with beauty

21.        Be happy with what I have

22.        Have more patience

23.        Keep a journal/blog

24.        Be more social

25.        Grow Sunflowers

26.        Read and knit more

27.        Organize my music and pictures

28.        Publish a book

29.        Advocate for universal health care

30.        Fly a kite this spring

31.        Learn to make balloon animals

32.        Never, EVER Grow Up

33.        Borrow books from the library instead of purchasing

34.        Match all the socks

35.        Take the train across Canada

36.        Have faith in myself

37.        Lower my cholesterol

38.        Learn ballroom dancing

39.        Join a protest

40.        Spend more time in prayer/meditation

41.        Make E as happy as possible

42.        Exercise every day

43.        Finish what I start

My daily meditation said:  To create is to boggle the mind and alter the mood.  Once the urge has surged, it maintains its own momentum.  We may go along for the ride, but when we attempt to steer the course, the momentum dies.  ~Sue Atchley Ebaugh