What Now

My day began in therapy, which is turning out to be very productive.  Dr.L. talked to me about goal setting.  I guess my main goal is to figure out - WHAT NOW?...  where do I fit in the world and how can my experiences lead to something good?  I knew it was possible that I would be labeled permanently disabled, but it was a shock to see it on an official form and unsolicited.

I am tired of feeling like I am a victim or helpless, but at the same time I am craving an opportunity to feel, just for a bit, like I don't have to control everything in my world.  However, at the same time I have the feeling that bad things happen when I'm not in control.  This puts me into a weird circle of turning my world versus letting my world turn me.  

I have also been doing a lot of thinking (and research) about grief.  We use three terms to talk about the loss of a close relationship:

• Bereavement is the reaction to the loss of a close relationship.

• Grief is the emotional response caused by a loss including pain, distress, and physical and emotional suffering.

• Mourning refers to the psychological process through which the bereaved person undoes his or her bonds to the deceased. 

  It's the mourning part I keep avoiding.  Why would I want to "undo" my bonds to my baby girl?  And no wonder I have had problems mourning my sister.  Those bonds had been "undone" years before.

Quote:  One has to grow up with good talk in order to form the habit of it.  ~~ Helen Hayes

Meditation:  I am growing up again amidst the good habits of others and myself.

Saint:  St. Hildegund (Monk and Virgin d.1188) "If I were to dress as a woman they would think of me as a woman, and then what would become of me?" ~~ Joan of Ark   http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=3778